Friday, 20 October 2017

selamat pagi, lubang punggung.

i was an asshole when i was a kid. i said things that just popped inside my head and i kinda hurt a lot of people because i was outspoken and very logical. kot. 100 percent no filter whatsoever.

you know what, i am kinda glad that i was an asshole when i was a kid, because by the time that i got into my early 20s i had outgrown myself from all of that assholeness. you know why i said this? some people start at 23, after they graduated. and they'll go full asshole, thinking that they're better than anyone else, say worst things that i used to say when i was a kid and just completely bragg about anything that they can brag like an (drum rolls), asshole.

mind you, i was a brilliant kid, my kindergarten teacher wouldnt let me be in my age class because i started reading when i was 4 and i made the rest of the 5year-olds looked stupid.

i even went to the teachers and asked
"kenapa diorang tak boleh membaca ustazah? membaca senang je."

bangang betul.

now, we move to my over-glorified PTS story. i was the only person who passed the test in my school, by passing i could skip 4th grade and went straight to 5th grade. i was the only person who passed, bayangkan lah level ego aku tinggi mana masa tu.

maigod. berlagak nak mampus.

lepastu upsr, pmr, spm, matrik bla bla bla bla

dan akhirnya degree, habis hancur lodo, Tuhan nak tunjuk. but i still graduated despite my low pointer. and i still was an asshole because i was from UM. helo, UM kot. (UM punnn last2 kerja dengan trc haha bodo.. *sigh)

by the time that i got into working, i realised that theyre so many better people, and theyre super high achieving than i ever was that my assholeness started to lessen, and by the time i turned 23 my assholeness completely dissapeared and my depression and anxiety started to develop.

i care about what people think of me
i care about what people think about things that i say
i care about how stupid i was on last week's meeting
i care about..
i just care too much.
and i always think about what if people around me just died,
what if something were to happen to azan,
what if something were to happen to my parents,
what if, and what if...

and not to forget, my crippling inferiority complex and hypochondria. in worst days, i shut down and lied in bed making up morbid scenarios inside my head.

"kau kena selalu mengaji...ingat Tuhan."- mak

hmmm. sebenarnya nak tulis pasal lain tadi. pasal gemok mekap mulut macam babi. dah tersasul sampai tadika. menggelabahla adui. next time la.

ok bye. ok bye to the only person who reads my blog who apparently resides in shirokane, japan and to my husband who occasionally comes here and still thinks that his wife is not crazy.

ok bye.

Sent from my iPhone